Harry Potter and The Three Bears
by ECX
Summary: Just imagine if that magic purple bus broke down and Harry had to stop off at the House of the Three Bears. It might go something like this..


Preface: This story contains moderate useage of bad language and thus if such material offends you, please discontinue reading. You have been warned.

Now, with the formalities out the way, let's continue with the story of...

**Harry Potter and the Three Bears **

Anyone who thought that Goldilocks was any more than a teenager who broke into the bear's house, vandalised their furniture, helped herself to their private property to sell for drugs but passed out on their bed after an overdose and wake up to be badly mauled beyond all recognition would be correct. Just imagine Harry Potter had to break into their house for a telephone after that magic purple bus broke down. It might go something like this...

Daniel knocks on the door of the house...no one answers.  
"Fiddlesticks! No one appears to be in. I don't want to enter these good people's premises without permission, but I simply must get help or I'll be stuck here forever," said Harry Potter.  
So Harry decided to open the door using magic, but decided a brick through the window would be more fun.  
Once inside, he felt a bit peckish whereupon he spied 3 bowls of porridge laid out on the table.  
"Oh, I'm ever so hungry," whined the little thieving shit. So eat the porridge he did with surprising results. He suddenly clutched his stomach feeling a sharp pain.  
"Oh sugar cubes!" He cried, "I do believe I'm getting the runs!"  
So run he did to the toilet where he found there to be 3 toilet bowls. A small one, a medium one and a large one. First he sat on the small one but couldn't get back up since his fat arse had become wedged in the tiny bowl.  
"Oh shit, here it comes!" he squealed.  
And at that moment there came a mighty torrent of crap, flying out faster than the sound of his pig like squealing. So much so that the toilet bowl cracked and burst in a shower of porcelain, laced with what I guess you, the reader, can imagine.  
Realising that Ron wasn't here to wipe his arse for him, he stood up, his knees trembling, barely able to stand and he began to cry. The tears ran down his cheeks in shame for what he had done, but that wouldn't stop that trickle of undigested food from running down his bony broomstick-like legs.  
Realising this he decided he would take a nap.  
"Fuck that magic purple bus up the arse!" he cried, running into the bedroom. Then realising he had used foul language he cried even harder screaming,  
"No! No! Now whatever will become of my merchandising marketability with the under 8s of this world?"  
But just at that moment, in burst the 3 bears who were actually violent, drunken Northeners with funny accents.

"What the fookin' shite's been goin on ere then?" Cried out papa bear. "Some fooking walking dead bastard's broken in," Chimed mama bear.  
"Yes and that same fooking pig's arse has eaten our porridge!" Cried baby bear, who wasn't really a baby. He was actually a midget who pretended to be a baby in the interest of cheating the benefits office.   
And at that moment Daniel stumbled out of the bedroom, falling at the feet of the 3 bears.  
"You f!£g bastard!" Cried out baby bear as he stuck his boot into Daniel's head.  
"No, please good sir!" pleaded Daniel, "I only wanted to use your telephone. It was an emergency you see."  
"I'll give you a fooking emergency you fking c!t. Breaking and fookin' enterin' you bastard!" replied papa bear.  
"You're in trouble now you little shite. We've been drinking all morning and we're in a right drunken violent mood now you poor fookin bastard!" chimed in mama bear. Suddenly Harry found himself unable to move or speak as the 3 bears loomed over him.  
"Aww you dirty bastard. You're covered in shite you smelly bastard!" said baby bear.

"Right then, let's eat. I'll eat his face off, mama bear - you rip out his intestines and choke the little bastard with them. Baby bear, you rip his balls off and use them for the ping pong table. Whatever's left over we'll kick the shit out of." ordered papa bear.

And at that, the 3 bears ate happily ever after, and buried the body in the back garden in a shallow unmarked grave.


End file.
